So the first batch got here today. That's three one-piece suits and one bikini top (another bikini top and both bottoms are expected in a later package).
The bikini top (from Triumph) actually fits, which is a surprise. It doesn't pass the beach volleyball test, but it's probably good up through frisbee. The underwire is not quite the right shape, so it'd get to be a problem after a while, but I'd be willing to put up with it if it weren't so unbelievably ugly. It's turquoise, which is a problem but only a small one. It's got these stupid rings in the straps, but I knew that from looking at the picture and thought maybe it wouldn't look so bad in person (nope, worse). But mostly, it's got this HUGE vertical seam, the awfulness of which I cannot adequately describe. Back in the box it goes. (Seriously, it looks worse than the last sports bra I bought, which is a truly unattractive piece of engineering.)
The two one-pieces from Freya (who also made the bra I ordered with this set, which is a little too small but otherwise plausible, although suspiciously loose about the band; I will see what the next cup size up is like) have the same set of problems, to wit:
1. Can only fit over my hips with enormous effort and possible fabric damage.
2. Too short in the torso.
3. You call this an F cup? My nipple doesn't fit in this!
4. No support at all, partly because of being too short.
I was expecting one of them to be too short and not have any support, because it looked too short and not supportive on the model, but I was ordering things anyway so it's not like I paid extra for shipping it or anything. Did I mention free returns? I was sad about the other one, though. Although it was also turquoise, so no big loss there.
The other one-piece is a halter from Triumph. I really really like it from about halfway up the ribcage down. The top fits, but the neck tie is somewhat uncomfortable. I might get used to it. It doesn't feel all that supportive, but I can jump around a fair bit without pain, which is really what counts. I think I will hang on to it, as it is at least an improvement over the existing suit.
I wasn't expecting much from the future-bikini, as it didn't look very supportive in the picture, but it is from Triumph and both the Triumph ones from today fit, even if one was bug-ugly, so I think I shall upgrade to cautiously optimistic.
 The activity scale goes: swimming, lying down, walking, frisbee, beach volleyball. My current swimsuit is good up through lying down.
 UK sizing; ought to be equivalent to a US G.
On the plus side, the other box that was waiting on the porch has four brand-new shiny CDs in it. Mmmmm, German synthpop. Nom nom nom.
(Why I don't friends-lock talking about bras and stuff: Because I felt like a total freak until I realized that it's not me, it's the fashion industry. Other people are my size. [Additional other people are a wide variety of different sizes. None of us can find clothes in department stores.] If I can do my little bit to shorten the feeling-like-a-freak of the next woman, I will have done some good in the world.)