December 18th, 2008

sword

Attention and Why I Don't Like It

There are two reasons I don't like attention.
1. I'm an introvert.
2. I'm a bit of a perfectionist.

I don't dislike all attention -- just because I'm an introvert doesn't mean I don't like talking to people. But I much prefer attention and interaction on my own terms, in smallish doses, at times and places of my choosing. I want to turn attention on when I want it and have the default state be pretty much off.

Therefore, I want any attracting of attention I do to be a result strictly of my behavior rather than my appearance. I'll attract attention by my actions if and only if I want to, since my actions are under my control and can be turned on or off at any time, directed at specific people, etc. Clothing and grooming choices, on the other hand, send a message to everyone who can see them, and that message cannot be altered or stopped without resources and effort. There isn't much I want to say to the whole world. Some version of "I am competent, I am respectable, I am professional, I belong here, and if you fuck with me you will regret it (but I am not a threat so long as you don't start anything)," is usually good. Competent and professional mean "Pay attention to me when I ask you to," and the rest more or less adds up to "and leave me alone the rest of the time."

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