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Chuck Ballooniac's Guts
sword
tiger_spot
So brooksmoses and chinders and andres_s_p_b and I were hanging out last night, chatting about this and that. Somewhere in there I issued a public service announcement:

DON'T READ Chuck Palahniuk's "Guts".

Andrés wanted to know why. Why? Because it's disgusting. It's the only story I actually regret reading. My life would be detectably better if I had never read it. "Well, what's it about?" he asked. "Guts," I said. "Intestines."

"But what happens? Tell me! Tell me tell me tell me!"

"No, it's gross."

"Just summarize!"

"It involves intestines. I'm not going to tell you, there are innocent ears listening." (If it had just been him, I'd've summarized and he'd've regretted it. But I'm not going to traumatize people just to teach Andrés a lesson.)

"Argh," he cried, and reached for his iPhone. There was a pause, punctuated by tapping.

"Why are the first two results in Hindi?" Andrés asked. "And is this next one Russian?"

"What? Let me see that." And this is what I saw: Chuck Ballooniacs Guts.

"I thought it was a children's book," he said.

I laughed so hard I cried.

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According to Wikipedia's article on him (I am attempting to make my curiousity go away without getting myself disturbed by looking up related things), he brags that his readings of that story are now responsible for 73 people fainting, including one who was attempting to leave the auditorium.

That's a telling little statement.

Quite a few of them are thought to have been faked, though... it's really not -that- bad.

Okay, well, maybe it is. I think I'm just an awful person. It wasn't that I enjoyed it, it... well... um... yeah, I'm just an awful person.

I kind of think it was the only book that I've ever read (that I owned, that I bought retail no less) that I actually physically wanted to burn.
I am kind to books. This kind of shocked me.
I actually felt BAD giving it to Value Village. I felt they should be warned about what they were getting.

I am not entirely sure why Andres thought "gross" + "intestines" = children's book.

Well, there's a whole genre of gross children's books, which seem to glory in being gross far more than books for adults. And, if you mishear Palahniuk as Ballooniac (which I did as well; it wasn't just Andres), that also seems to point to it being a children's book.

It's cause of the name. "Chuck Ballooniac" sounds like a random made-up name for a character in a children's story, and "Chuck Ballooniac's Guts" sounds like a perfectly reasonable title for a children's story, which often have very straightforward descriptive names. Plus, it's got that punny thing going on—balloons are big and round, and so is Chuck, cause he's got lots of guts. As to why it's disgusting, I figure it features explosive disembowelment and/or his intestines flailing around like tentacles and attacking folks. I gotta go draw this on my Wacom tablet…

I gotta go draw this on my Wacom tablet....

Oh, dear.

Oh, very dear.

Okay, so I'd not heard of this book and until I reached the very end of post, I also thought this would be a children's book.

Actually the first result is now your LJ entry. That's sort of surreal.

It's not Hindi. I think it may be Thai. The South Ural Cellular Telephone Hot Line site is indeed Russian, but its contents seem to be all spam, much of which is in English.

Your Opinion

(Anonymous)
Don't read Palahniuk if you have a stick up your Ass!
He is for the Big kids!

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